The Book of AngryAndrew

A New New Testament of the Bible, which is also known as “Lucifer is a Clever Little Devil, Isn’t He.

1. Tablet Writings of the Ancients

Upon the ground AngryAndrew discovered the “Tablet of Eypad” which held the secrets as yet unveiled. AngryAndrew touched the Tablet of Eypad so that he could read it, and it was good. And it shone a light upon the darkness of the ignorant, that they may see.

2. Luis Cypher, Just Say-Tan with the Plan

Lucifer is known as the DEVIL or SATAN. He is quite prominent in the bible, and in fact far more than it seems. Lucifer actually wrote the Old Testament himself. The “God” spoken of in the Old Testament is actually Lucifer. Lucifer wrote it, so he might as well claim to be the Almighty MagicalSkyMan™ that ruled over all. He created the story that he was "cast out" as a clever ruse, to keep the faithful from questioning his motives as “God.”
Luis entertains a guest Photo: shea
Lucifer gave Moses the complete list of “Ten Commandments,” which mostly was a list of seven bullshit rules that went against humanity, forcing humans to worship Satan (who was claiming to be “God”). Of the three others, two commandments were “thou shall not murder” and “thou shall not steal” which were already pretty obvious to everyone, but Lucifer stuck them in to give the other commandments credibility. The “thou shall not bear false witness” was Lucifer’s commandment not to lie, which was functionally the same as a pathological liar saying “I never lie” just so that people won’t lie back to him.
Kindness, respect, and love are naturally a part of every human.
Lucifer was also a master trickster and taught Moses some neat illusions, so the simpletons of the day would believe that he was “really connected” following Moses en-masse. Gimmicks like the talking burning bush and parting of the red sea did a lot to convince his followers that “Moses was ‘da shit.

3. But What of RealGOD?

The once happy children of RealGod . Photo: Robert Collins
The "RealGod" had better plans for humans. RealGod’s people were polyamorous, playful, and happy. RealGod did not want, nor accept, any worship. All RealGod cared about was watching the little humans frolic in happiness and bliss. RealGod’s people didn’t even know what "kill" or "steal" meant until Moses (the hand of Satan) taught them, for they had plenty of love, sex, food, and happiness. They did not need "commandments from a MagicalSkyMan™" to know how to be good and decent to their fellow humans. They just were. For the truth is: kindness, respect, and love are naturally a part of every human.
Love has an endless supply, and you can’t run out.
Hoodies are sinister sexy. Photo: Pawel Janiak — Stylization: ASomers

4. Worshiping the Devil for Fun and Prophet

A darkly funny side note to all of this is that those that follow and preach the “Old Testament” type books are ACTUALLY WORSHIPING THE DEVIL. The books I speak of are the “Holy Bible, Torah, & Quran” (used by many Christians, Jews, and Muslims, or CJM , respectively). These old books, written by or with the hand of Satan, have for thousands of years misled humans down dark and evil paths.
A young pliable mind believes anything. Photo: David Beale
Satan has managed to pull off the most devious switcheroo ever, so devious they actually made the word devious to honor Lucifer’s title as devil.
Tragically, the RealGod's peoples (the Canaanites, Hittites, Midianites, I'm-All-Rites, along with some other 'ites here and there), were slaughtered by Moses and his merry band of sociopathic genocidal maniacs. Why? Because Lucifer, under the guise of God, told Moses to kill, murder, rape young virgins, slaughter, plunder, rape more, steal the land, and then move-in and chill-out — drinking wine but never eating pork because eating pork would be “evil.”
The one & only commandment:
Treat others the way you would like to be treated.

5. RealGod is Furious, Film at 11

RealGod was PRETTY FUCKING PISSED OFF at Lucifer’s killing spree. Full of anger, sadness, pity, fear and loathing, and some other emotions not invented yet, RealGod sent down Baby Jesus to to live amongst the humans and try and convert a few people away from Lucifer by pointing out that love has an endless supply, and you can’t run out.
Well, it IS a very nice villa. Photo: Getty Museum
But unbeknownst to RealGod, Lucifer had made a long-term arrangement with some Roman leaders in exchange for ensuring they had a nice retirement villa (which was later shipped to the Getty Museum in Santa Monica, CA. and is now a popular tourist attraction). What kind of deal with the devil did the Romans make? Let’s just say if you’re the son of a deity and you like to talk about how humans can be good together, and good to each other — well, you want to avoid Romans. And big pieces of lumber.
Mr. Christ's High School Yearbook Photo
Baby Jesus grew up to be Mr. Jesus H. Christ, A handsome and popular black man who worked as a carpenter. And he was on a mission.
From brothels, to temples, and the occasional hilltop, he told everyone about RealGod’s one and only commandment, which was to treat others the way you would like to be treated. Unlike Moses, Jesus didn’t bother to write it on a stone tablet because he figured it’d be easy to remember. Sadly many christians only seem to remember the stone tablets Moses made, instead of the one real commandment Jesus brought along. Nevertheless, all was going quite well for Jesus, and he even had a few guys that followed him around, hanging on his every word, most of them hoping to be Mr. Christ’s future biographer.

6. The Lucifer Strikes Back

We did warn about "lumber." Photo: Christoph Schmid
With a dark John Williams theme playing in the background, Lucifer went to the Romans and said in his best James Earl Jones voice “Hey what the fuck, we had a deal. If you don’t take care of that Christ kid, you’re not gonna get that Villa.”
So the Romans were like "okey dokey Mr. Cypher, don’t get your pentagrams in a bunch, we'll put Christ on a stick as soon as we're done with all the Spartacuses." So to make the longest story ever told a lot shorter, Lucifer had the Romans kill Christ before Christ could tell everyone that the most of the books in the Bible were actually really really bad juju.

7. And The Heavens Wept

With the son dead, RealGod was like, "SMH 😳😡😠 I give up" and was bereft with grief, crying often. Sometimes RealGod’s tears rain so hard they caused floods. One time the floods were so bad this dude Noah had to build a boat to rescue his animals. More recently RealGod's tears were strong enough to create hurricanes that mess with Lucifer's people who have retired to Florida. Lucifer’s Florida people usually blame California, which is ironic.
Tip: Try not to upset your deity. Photo: Max Larochelle
You see, the few humans that woke up and ran away from Lucifer’s nightmare typically end up in California. RealGod is happy to see this, and so rarely cries over California. But this has the unfortunate result of creating a serious drought.
Someone needs to remind RealGod that humans need water on a regular basis. Apparently RealGod is all loving, but not always the brightest creator in the universe. I mean seriously? Take for instance non-functional tiny toes that only serve to get stubbed? Nipples for men? Lactose intolerance? And who’s idea was it to introduce aging & getting older? Intelligent design my ass.
Aging. Now that’s an obvious design flaw if there ever was one. It’s as if we all just evolved from some mess of chaos & chaotic deterministic systems coalescing into the appearance of order emerging from a gigantic explosion of an infinite-mass singularity. Or something.

8. But There is No Joy in Godville

Lucifer didn't even need cheat codes to get to this level.
Meanwhile Lucifer is all “Pwned! Achievement Unlocked!! Ha! I Rule! 1337!" and has directed his "people" toward spending all their money to build massive mega-churches in “his” name, oppressing non-believers, pushing a misguided morality onto society through unjust and malicious laws, murdering abortion doctors, hating gays, denying science, amassing uncountable wealth while letting others suffer, protesting knowledge, and flying jets into tall buildings to kill & terrorize. Could Luis Cypher BE any more evil? I guess being Satan for a few thousand years will do that to a person.

The End

Super Giant Church! Made possible by spending a ton of money on construction instead of pesky little things like feeding the poor. Photo: Michael Beckwith

~• EPILOGUE •~

9. Prophesies

After thousands of years and amassing 8 billon people on the planet, the majority of them became connected through a magical system of intertwined nets that allowed free thoughts to flow, ideas to be exchanged, and lies & deceit to be challenged and dismissed.
As the forgeries & myths are scraped away, a new world based in truth and love shall emerge.
But if you are concerned about drought from the lack of rain, don’t be. The rains of RealGod’s tears will still fall, only they will be the tears of happiness & joy.